‘Twas the blog before Christmas, two-thousand-nineteen
Thirty-six further entries, published and seen
For the fifth year running, here’s my audit
Of a year’s worth of blogging (and most of it’s shit)
JANUARY
To kick off the year, the Christmas just past
With my family and kids the hilarious cast
A stain on the carpet, a book about cock
A visit to Stockport when I got quite a shock
A woman out shopping, living the dream
Wearing her dressing gown and drinking cream
Then in ‘Blog Habits’, I set out a year
of novelty months (the reasons weren’t clear)
And following that, for a little fun
I wrote a play all about our school run
Both boys pushing me nearer my grave
When all I wanted was a shower and shave
To finish the month, my appraisal at work
(I re-wrote the questions because I’m a jerk)
FEBRUARY
To kick start month two, we gave up the chocs
Even the boys went full-on detox
Isaac especially became rather quiet
(because chocolate comprises most of his diet)
I then wrote an entry about my hometown
And described how our ‘shared space’ was built by a clown
Pedestrians and cars must give way to all
And every day there’s a crash or a brawl
MARCH
In a break from driving me around the bend
At the start of March, the boys got girlfriends
But just as my respect for each of them grew
It transpired that neither of the girls knew
Then ‘I’ll Have A P Please, Blog’, I went to a quiz
With colleagues, my boss and some friends of his
But, unfortunately, the place where we sat
Was next to a table of four stuck-up twats
Next it was ‘BrewBlog’, where beer got tasted
Out with my mate, and the two of us wasted
The ‘hyper’ Tallulah our annoying host
(but it was beer mixed with cheese which upset me the most)
Then over to Hastings, my useless insurer
Their service honestly could not have been poorer
And ending the month, it was entry two hundred
‘How the fuck’s he got this far?’ everyone wondered
But in my ‘Blogcentennial’, it seemed rather apt
To have four years of entries succinctly recapped.
APRIL
Three blog posts in April was all you would get
The first one a list of celebs I have met
To anyone reading I made it quite clear
I’d like to meet someone A-List this year (I haven’t)
I explained how my anger is out of control
(if you didn’t like that one, then you’re an arsehole)
To finish the month, we thought for a lark
We’d go on an Easter Hunt ‘round Tatton Park
But it ended in shouting and tears instead
When Isaac fell from a tree onto his head
MAY
I started with footy as we moved into May
My team were promoted and later that day
I treated young Ollie to the club’s gala dinner
(If there’s a Dad of the Year Award I must be a winner)
In ‘Blog of the Dump’ Isaac turned five
And a kid at his party scared me alive
The weird little rat-girl (who wasn’t a guest)
Tried to steal all his presents, the vile little pest
A trip then to York for a nice little break
Where Isaac was feral and mostly ate cake
Before I wrote ‘bout the phone system I have in my car
It sends pre-programmed texts, but I took it too far
By suggesting my own, like ‘I should go by train’
and ‘I’m stuck behind a fucking tractor again’
Lastly, I wrote about ‘Biff, Chip and Kipper’
And the books that I read back when I was a nipper.
JUNE
Just three entries in June, with Sports Day to start
Typically, Isaac refused to take part
Eventually persuaded, he ran in four races
Two golds and two silvers, his collection of places
Our trip to the circus was a bit of a farce
It was no ‘Greatest Showman’ (and no Zendaya’s arse)
But Isaac had fun watching acrobats fly
Then the clown sprayed his face, which of course made him cry
JULY
If you thought June was sparse, then July’s count was two
So, I tried to make both extra special for you
The first was all about Ollie’s first gig
A festival in Yorkshire (I thought I’d go big)
Stood right at the front in his massive band shirt
The crowd formed a barrier, so he didn’t get hurt
His class then cooked lunch for their parents at school
An ‘Italian Café’ which was pretty cool
The main course was pizza, which was nice but I gotta
Say that I preferred his dessert panna cotta
AUGUST
I then tried out something I’d not done before
My first ever threesome I thought I’d explore
Don’t jump to conclusions though, I need you to note
The only ‘entries’ were the ones that I wrote
A trilogy, in fact, about our glamping trip
Stuck in a lodge, not getting much kip
‘Don’t Let The Bed Blogs Bite’, Parts 1 to 3
Carnivorous insects tried to eat me
Our hosts were straight out of Deliverance
(I think they’d have killed us if given the chance)
But both boys had fun, so I shouldn’t complain
Although, I doubt I’ll ever go glamping again
SEPTEMBER
More outdoor fun as we moved to September
‘The Twiggles and Bloggles’ you might just remember
A trip to ‘Bewilderwood’, climbing up trees
(I got myself lost when I went for a wee)
Then ‘Blog to School’, an entry which featured
Putting my foot in it with Isaac’s new teacher
Following that, Isaac’s YouTube obsession
A girl group who fill me with rage and aggression
A family of sisters singing terrible songs
Everything about them is so fucking wrong
OCTOBER
I then published ‘Another Blog In The Wall’
Going to parents’ evening in the school hall
My wife was away, so I went on my own
I might have refused, if only I’d known
I’d embarrass myself and book the wrong times
(to mention just two of my most heinous crimes)
Remaining with school, in ‘Blogz In The Hood’
I explained how this month I thought it would
Be nice to go drinking with my two oldest mates
Though one got accosted outside our school gates
Lastly I wrote about Ollie’s foul mood
He was grumpy, and sulky, and just downright rude
Then one of the mums scared the life out of me
By explaining he’s probably near puberty.
NOVEMBER
I wrote in November about how I look
My body is shoddy, but I don’t give a fuck
If you’re healthy and happy, then really who cares?
(though I’d still add some length to the fella downstairs)
In ‘Mary’s Blog Child’ just a few weeks ago
We ended the month thinking reindeer and snow
For once it’s December it’s no longer absurd
If anyone mentions the dreaded C-Word
(No, Christmas)
DECEMBER
Just two final entries to finish the year
(so my round-up is ending, and I’m off for a beer)
The first of the two was called ‘BlogDay Cards’
And I wrote about I found it quite hard
To get famous people to send to our house
Signed birthday cards addressed to my spouse
So thanks Norwich City and especially Dan Snow
(whereas John Barrowman knows where he can go)
And ending the year, as I fill up my cup
The ‘Blog Before Christmas’ – this poetic round-up
Another year done folks, and you know I adore
Each of you readers, so to you and yours
I raise up my glass and give festive cheer
Merry Christmas you rabble, and Happy New Year!
Thank you all, as ever, for reading. I hope each and every one of my followers has a fantastic Christmas and thank you for humouring me for another twelve months. You have no idea how much writing this blog and posting random garbage on my Facebook page keeps me sane at times, so thank you.
Merry Christmas x