Blogged Content

Having locked horns with the electrical retailer Currys a few weeks ago, regarding my long overdue Christmas present (update: the air fryer arrived less than 48 hours after my blog entry was published, and I’ve since been furnished with a £20 goodwill payment into my account by way of an apology for their company achieving a level of complaint resolution somewhere between ‘terrible’ and ‘fucking useless’), a few days ago I had reason to contact another purveyor of customer service excellence… Sky.

In short, the firm I work for has recently switched its website to the WordPress platform (you may be aware of my feelings towards WordPress, which is the very platform I use for this blog, and how I now encounter technical issues with it on nearly every entry) but, for reasons which remain unclear, not everyone can access it. Which is a shame, because I spent a considerable amount of time re-writing and updating all the content.

Anyway, it took a while for us (and by ‘us’, I mean ‘me’) to work out that the members of staff and – more importantly – clients who cannot currently view the site, receiving instead a ‘403 Forbidden – You don’t have permission to access this resource’ message, all have one thing in common: their broadband is with Sky.

Every other provider – to my knowledge – has no issues at all with our new website, but Sky is seemingly blocking it for their customers, and we still don’t know why. I promise I’ve not sworn anywhere when re-writing any of the pages, I certainly haven’t made any rude or libelous comments, and my boss forbade me from using that photo of me in a bikini for my profile picture, so it remains a total mystery to everyone concerned. Including, it now transpires, Sky themselves.

Having spent more than an hour on the phone to their ‘technical support team’ earlier this week (which is about as accurate a description as Currys ‘complaint resolution’ department) to try and rectify the issue, they seemingly don’t have a clue what is causing the error message.

Thankfully, I’m a very patient man who is not prone to expletive-laden outbursts (fuck off, yes I am) and, when the conversation developed into one of the most bizarre exchanges I think I’ve ever had while on the phone (or even off the phone, for that matter), I started taking notes so that I could share it with you lot.

What follows, is as close to a verbatim account of my telephone call with Sky as my frantically scribbled handwriting could possibly muster….


“Hello there. How can I help you today?”

“Hi. I’m having some problems accessing a particular website and it turns out I’m not the only one, so I was hoping you could look into what the problem is for me?”

“Yes, certainly Sir. Can I take you through some security questions first?”


[I’ve omitted our exchanges regarding the security questions, for obvious reasons]

“And, finally, can I take your postcode please?”

“Yes. It’s CW….”


“Yes, CW…”

“C as in chicken?”

“If you like. I mean, it’s normally Charlie, but whatever.”

“Charlie? Sorry, I thought you said your name was Greg, Mr Greg?”

“It is. I meant the letter C in the phonetic alphabet is Charlie.”

“Excuse me?”

“Never mind. Yes, C as in chicken.”

“What was next?”

“W. CW. As in Crewe. CW.”


“Sure. Chicken Walter….”

[We then went through the rest of my postcode and first line of our address, painfully slowly, to satisfy Sammy One Star that I was who I claimed to be]

“Ah, yes, I have found you now Mr Greg.”

“Just Greg.”

“Just Greg?”

“It’s not Mr Greg. Greg is my first name.”

“Oh, yes. Of course. My humblest of apologies. And what seems to be the problem, Mr Greg?”

“Well, as I was explaining about ten minutes ago before we went through all the security questions and I lost the will to live, I’m having trouble getting onto a website and it looks like it’s affecting all Sky customers, not just me.”

“Ah. Are you….. how do I say this? You wishing to look at the porn, Mr Greg?”


“You look at the porn, yes?”

“No! It’s our company’s website.”

“Your company? You… erm… you work for the porn?”

“No, I don’t work for the porn. I work for a law firm. I’m a solicitor.”

“Oh. I always wanted to be a lawyer.”

“You’d make more money in porn, trust me.”

“Excuse me?”

“Never mind. I’m sure working for Sky’s technical support team is better than being a lawyer. To be honest, if you have any jobs going, give me a shout. Anyway, can you look into why your company apparently has an issue with my company’s new website, please? I think it must be something to do with the fact we’ve switched over to WordPress, as it’s apparently affecting anyone who has their broadband with Sky, but it’s fine for everyone else.”

“Have you seen the movie ‘Sweets’, Mr Greg?”

“Just Greg. And no, I haven’t. Why?”

“Oh, it’s very good. You should watch it. It is about lawyers like you. That is my recommendation.”

“Maybe I will.”

“It is all about the lawyers. In sweets. You know, like the clothes.”

“Right….. hang on, do you mean the television programme ‘Suits’?”

“Yes. Sweets. It very good. You like.”

“Ok, I know the show you mean now. I still haven’t seen it though.”

“Very very good. You like. While we wait, I see you have been a loyal customer for 18 years now. Can I interest you in upgrading your package?”

“No, thanks. I actually reduced our package a few weeks ago, and to be honest I’m calling from a work phone, about a work issue, so I’m not interesting in discussing my personal Sky account anyway.”

“Ok, let us solve this problem and try to get you onto the forbidden site.”

“That makes it sound dodgy. It’s just a law firm’s website.”

“Yes. Very forbidden. Like Sweets!”

“Whatever, mate. Can you fix it?”

“I will be putting you on hold Mr Greg. Very briefly. I will still be here but would like to ask some of my colleagues who are good with the technology. That ok?”

“Fine. I was hoping you might be good with the technology, seeing as you’re part of the technical support team, but whatever you need to do to resolve it.”

[ten minutes later]

“Thank you for holding there, Mr. Greg-“

“Just Greg.”

“Just Greg. I have spoken to our technical team and they suggest we turn your router off and then back on again.”

“That won’t fix it.”

“We should try, Mr Greg.”

“No, we shouldn’t. I’ve already explained that this issue is affecting all Sky customers, not just me, so turning off my router won’t solve the problem. It’s a problem between Sky and WordPress and there is something your system doesn’t like which is blocking it. It’s not all of WordPress, because I use that for other sites and I can see them fine, it’s just our firm’s new website.”

“Can we just try the router, to rule that out?”

“No. I promise you that isn’t the issue, and because I’m phoning through my work’s laptop phone, if I disconnect the router it will end this call, merciful though that may seem right now.”

“I would like to put you on hold again, Mr Greg.”

[ten minutes later]

“Thank again for your patience, Mr Greg. I am going to write up my notes and send this off to our technical team for them to look into it. I will be quiet while I write but I will still be here. That be ok?”

“Do I need to stay on the phone?”


“Do I have to stay on the call? If you can’t fix it, and all you’re going to do is write up what I’ve told you then send it to someone technical, can’t I end the call now and leave you to it? You have my number if you need me.”

“Yes, very good Mr Greg. I was happy speaking to you today. And you must watch Sweets, believe me. You like. It very great.”

“Can’t wait.”

“Bye bye Mr Greg!”

[Because WordPress is now shit, and won’t let me upload images, let alone emojis, you’ll have to imagine the giant ‘facepalm’ image I was hoping to include here].

Thanks for reading x


One thought on “Blogged Content

  1. Carole Burton says:

    I was half expecting him to say he identifies as Gracie but cos you wouldn’t speak to him the other day he’s going to give you crap tech support today. 🤣🤣🤣


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