Blogger Off, Currys

For the past few years, my dear mother has struggled to come up with Christmas present ideas for my wife and I, so, because she simply won’t accept “we don’t need anything” or “just some socks” as viable options, she has started buying us either a voucher for a fancy meal out, or something for the house. God love her.

As we approached Christmas last year (well, I say approached, but if mum hasn’t fully sorted all her gifts by the end of September, she starts to develop a nervous twitch), I began to wonder about getting an air fryer for the kitchen, so she said if we found one that we wanted, she would give us the money to buy it.

Now, I know I’m a little late to the party (as is so often the case with new technology), but so, it seems, was the rest of the UK, because suddenly every fucker in the country wanted an air fryer for Christmas, and getting one (at least, a decent one for a reasonable price) was proving extremely difficult. In fact, I’d have had an easier time sourcing some rocking horse shit.

My brother has one of the ‘Ninja’ air fryers (other makes are available), and he raves about how it has revolutionised his cooking (like us, he has young children, and sometimes a ‘quick tea’ to keep them happy is the easiest option), so taking his advice I started to focus on that particular brand and eventually found one I wanted.

Except, nowhere had it in stock

And I do mean nowhere.

We tried all the major electrical and kitchen appliance retailers (and even some of the non-major/shit ones) but, as soon as any of them got some air fryers back in stock, they immediately vanished again before I had chance to purchase one, as though everyone else was sat by their keyboards waiting and reacting quicker than I was. Which they invariably were.

In the end, having joined a number of ‘remind me when this item is back in stock’ mailing lists, including Ninja themselves (who insisted on only announcing they had more stock around 2am, so by the time I saw the email the next morning every unit had already sold), I managed to source one via a large high street retailer who we shall call ‘Currys’ because, well, that’s their name.  

(NB: Normally, in circumstances like this, where I am about to launch a vitriolic tirade of abuse towards a company who has, for want of a better phrase, ‘fucked me over’, I’ll disguise their name – not always convincingly – for ‘legal reasons.’ However, on this occasion, I would actually welcome a day in court with this company, so if any of their top brass happen to read this and want to sue me for defamation, you can all kiss my skinny white ass).

Initially, my dealings with Currys seemed to be going well – they had, after all, done a fine job of delivering a vacuum cleaner for my wife’s birthday only a few weeks earlier (and, before anyone judges me as some sort of misogynistic pig, she insisted that was what she wanted) – and I was promised that our air fryer would be delivered on the Thursday of that week, which just happened to be my day working from home. Splendid.

Except, the air fryer didn’t turn up on that Thursday as expected, nor the following day, nor even that weekend, so I decided to track my package online (not a euphemism), at which point I was informed it was currently stuck at the local DPD (yes, I’m naming those wankers as well) depot in Stoke.

Being uncharacteristically patient, I consoled myself that the Royal Mail strikes taking place at that time were probably impacting the delivery community as a whole, and since we still had another three weeks until Christmas, so that mum could wrap the air fryer and then gift it back to us, I wasn’t overly concerned with a slight delay.

Unfortunately, said air fryer not only failed to turn up in time for Christmas, but when I checked again during the abyss of time that is the period betwixt Christmas and New Year, I was shocked to find DPD had ‘returned the item to seller’ at my request. MY REQUEST.

Fucking livid.

Naturally, with my uncharacteristic patience now wearing thin, I Googled the complaints email address for Currys (having decided that raising a complaint with the perpetually useless DPD would be about as productive as tits on fish), and set about drafting a lengthy bollocking for them to muse over, before offering me some pathetic excuse of an apology.

Imagine my delight when, having prepared said email, and having deliberately omitted the word ‘kind’ from the end, so it simply said ‘regards’ (I wanted to make it clear how pissed off I was), the email then bounced back as the address advertised online is apparently ‘no longer active’.

Oh dear, Currys.

Having wasted another hour from my mid-life crisis using their online ‘webchat’ service (which, frankly, made even DPD seem competent, because I ended up stuck with Sally No Stars, who kept asking if I wanted a refund, and didn’t seem to grasp what I meant by “no, I want the air fryer I paid for as a Christmas present, a few weeks ago, which is seemingly now back with your useless company), I had no choice other than to phone their ‘helpline’ instead (never has a description been more of a misnomer, because I suspect the folk manning the lines wouldn’t have understood the word ‘help’ if they had been made to repeat it from the dictionary every day for six months, before having it tattooed onto their stupid foreheads).

Having gone over the same conversation of declining a refund, and insisting on them delivering MY air fryer instead, which was surely knocking around their depot somewhere, I was assured it would be sent back out to me in “a few days.”

Naturally, a few days passed with no further contact, but the one useful thing the ‘helpline’ operative had done was to – extremely reluctantly – provide me with their actual complaints address, so last week I set about preparing another, more volatile, email.

This time, expecting a sincere apology, together with offers of either a substantial gift voucher, free washing machine, or the area manager’s first-born child by way of compensation, I wasn’t prepared for the very abrupt reply I received a few days later: “sorry, this item is now out of stock.”

Now, it’s not often I get so angry that I reject the use of any conclusion to my emails whatsoever (I am British, after all), and it’s even rarer for me to launch straight into a bollocking without so much as a ‘Dear Sirs’, but I’ve cut and pasted our subsequent exchanges below for the world to see:

From: uselesscompany@currys.co.uk

To: poorbastardwhojustwantshisairfryer.co.uk

Good day,

Thank you for your email. We apologise for the inconvenience this has caused. Please accept our apologies. The item is now out of stock, and we are expecting stock on 12/01/2023. You can choose an alternative item so we can send it out. However, if you would like to be refunded, we can cancel the item and process a refund.

Kind regards

***

From: poorbastardwhojustwantshisairfryer.co.uk

To: uselesscompany@currys.co.uk

How can it be out of stock when I ordered and paid for one a month ago, it was delivered as far as the depot in Stoke, then returned to you without consulting me and with no attempt to deliver it? Surely the one which was returned to you belongs to me? You have now had my money for a month. This is unacceptable. 

***

From: uselesscompany@currys.co.uk

To: poorbastardwhojustwantshisairfryer.co.uk

Good day,

Thank you for your email.

I apologise for the inconvenience this has caused you. We do not have the stock available, and we are receiving stock on January 12, 2023.

Please do not hesitate to contact us if you have any further questions.

***

From: poorbastardwhojustwantshisairfryer.co.uk

To: uselesscompany@currys.co.uk

That hasn’t answered my question.

I bought this product A MONTH AGO in good time for it to be delivered as a Christmas present. It was shipped as far as Stoke (which is 10 minutes from where I live) but DPD failed to make any attempt to deliver it and instead returned it to you, claiming that it was being returned at my request. It wasn’t.

You therefore have at least one of these air fryers in stock… mine. Unless you’re now saying you’ve sold the item I’ve paid for to another customer?

I want this complaint escalating to someone senior, with a full explanation and a guarantee the item will be with me by the end of this week (Friday 13th January).

***

From: uselesscompany@currys.co.uk

To: poorbastardwhojustwantshisairfryer.co.uk

Hi

Thank you for your January 9, 2023, email.

Please accept my apologies for any inconvenience caused as you have not received your product at the expected time.

To answer your question, no, you have not paid for the product for another customer; however, with the product being out of stock, we have an alternative option to wait for the same replacement to be in stock or you can opt for an alternative that is within the same price range as the air fryer you bought initially.

As it stands, the return has been approved; it is a matter of whether you are willing to wait for stock to arrive on the advised date to get a new delivery date or if you would like to take an alternate route.

Please reach out for further assistance.

***

From: poorbastardwhojustwantshisairfryer.co.uk

To: uselesscompany@currys.co.uk

But the product isn’t out of stock, because the one I paid for has been returned to you by DPD, so my one is still there somewhere.

If the new stock arrives on 12^th January, I expect one of those to be delivered to me on Friday 13^th January. 

***

From: poorbastardwhojustwantshisairfryer.co.uk

To: uselesscompany@currys.co.uk

Further to my previous emails (below), this issue has still not been resolved, I have received no response, and the situation is completely unacceptable.

I was informed last week that, even though MY air fryer was returned to you, and you hadn’t allocated it to someone else, the product is now out of stock. Clearly that cannot be true.

I was then told the product would be back in stock on 12^th January, so I insisted one be delivered by the following day. I received no response.

Unless I receive a full refund, plus compensation for the fact my money has been sat in your account for more than a month, together with the fact the item which was supposed to be delivered a month ago was a CHRISTMAS PRESENT, I’ll be taking further action. 

***

They haven’t responded, so as promised I’m taking action. In the form of an online blog. Which around ten people will read.

I do feel slightly better, to be fair.

Advertisement