Ok, this week’s entry is about football, but not in the way you might expect, and certainly not in a way that should discourage those who don’t like football from reading on.
Essentially, whilst wondering what this week’s blog could be about (I had a few ideas, but the kids haven’t provided any comedic material of late), I noticed something of potential online.
Then, when I’d finished watching that, I spotted a post on the Facebook group ‘The Football Conference North’ (the league my beloved Stockport County appear to now be trapped in for all eternity), and it really made me chuckle.
Essentially, this Facebook group is a vehicle for fans of teams in the Vanarama National League North (sounds prestigious, doesn’t it?) to rip the piss out of each other as much as is humanly possible. That may not have been the original intention of the group’s creators, but that’s certainly what everyone seems to use it for – often with hilarious consequences, but for all the wrong reasons.
This form of online abuse is widely referred to as ‘banter’ (or ‘bantz’ for the fully lobotomised), and generally involves some window-licker posting an inflammatory comment, with the sole intention of getting a rise from fans of opposing teams. Such behaviour is known as ‘fishing’, or, more commonly, ‘being a twat for the sake of it’, and there are usually dozens of people queuing up to take the bait.
Unfortunately, being as anally retentive about spelling and grammar as I am, reading posts in this group can sometimes be a struggle (there are actually people out there, who wouldn’t know an apostrophe if it came up and clamped itself firmly onto their ball’s – yes, that was deliberate), but the same can be said for most of the communities on Facebook, and this particular group’s one saving grace, is that it is just so damn entertaining at times.
Anyway, the post which made me chuckle earlier this week, was from a Tamworth fan (who, in fairness, seemed a decent enough chap), and was along the lines of ‘Watch out Brackley, the Lambs are coming to get you Tuesday night…’ – this being a reference to Tamworth (The Lambs) travelling to play Brackley on Tuesday evening.
Now, it wasn’t the prospect of Tamworth beating Brackley away from home which tickled me so much (although, invariably, whenever someone shares a pre-match boast like this, it almost always comes back to bite them firmly in the arse – and, sure enough, the game ended 0-0), but more the mental image of a lamb being used as an instrument of terror.
Of all the football club nicknames, surely ‘The Lambs’ is one of the least frightening? For the same reason, you tend to find that supporters of clubs like Norwich City (‘The Canaries’), Bournemouth (‘The Cherries’), and Morecambe (‘The Shrimps’), avoid using their nicknames to intimidate opposing fans of teams like Sheffield United (‘The Blades’), Hull City (‘The Tigers’), and Millwall (‘The Fucking Lunatics’).
Which got me thinking – if tomorrow afternoon’s fixtures in County’s league, were decided purely on the respective nicknames of each club, which teams would come out on top, and would it be worth sticking a few quid on? So, without further ado….
VANARAMA NATIONAL LEAGUE NORTH FIXTURES
SATURDAY 9th SEPTEMBER 2017
AFC TELFORD v HARROGATE TOWN
Telford: Here come the Bucks!
Harrogate: Your nickname is ‘The Books’? Like in a library?
Telford: No, B-U-C-K-S. As in the male of certain species, like deer, and rabbits.
Harrogate: Hardly intimidating though, is it?
Telford: Well, deer have antlers, so they can do some damage. Why, what’s your nickname?
Harrogate: Town.
Telford: Town? Not very imaginative. Besides, there’s nothing scary about a town.
Harrogate: You never been to Blackpool then?
Telford: Fair point.
RESULT: HARROGATE WIN
ALFRETON TOWN v GAINSBOROUGH TRINITY
Alfreton: Hi, we’re the ‘Reds’.
Gainsborough: Boring. We’re the ‘Holy Blues’.
Alfreton: Ah, so a battle of the colours. Well, clearly red is more menacing than blue.
Gainsborough: Why? Blue can be scary too. It’s associated with cold things.
Alfreton: And Smurfs. Besides, red is associated with heat and danger, and look how menacing the bearded fella on our badge is. That’s some scary shit, right there. Plus, ‘Holy’ Blues? Where did you get that from – Robin?! ‘Holy Blues, Batman, it’s Gainsborough!’
RESULT: ALFRETON WIN
BLYTH SPARTANS v BOSTON UNITED
Blyth: Behold, the mighty Spartans! One of the most feared armies throughout the whole of history!
Boston: Shit.
RESULT: BLYTH WIN
BRADFORD PARK AVENUE v NUNEATON TOWN
BPA: Ok, before you say anything, we’re well-aware that our nickname isn’t very original.
Nuneaton: Why, what is it?
BPA: The Avenue. What’s yours?
Nuneaton: The Boro.
BPA: Oh. Equally unoriginal then. Hey, why does your club badge have a bear slow-dancing with a cactus?
Nuneaton: Piss off.
RESULT: DRAW
CURZON ASHTON v FC UNITED OF MANCHESTER
Curzon: No doubt about it, we win the most original nickname – ‘The Nash’ – beat that!
FCUM: Might be original, but it’s not exactly intimidating, is it?
Curzon: Kate Nash was pretty scary. Why, what’s your nickname?
FCUM: ‘The Reds’.
Curzon: Like Man United?
FCUM: Not really. They’re the ‘Red Devils’. We dropped the devil part.
Curzon: At least devils are evil.
FCUM: Go on then, what’s a Nash?
Curzon: It harks back to a third team that used to play in our town.
FCUM: Your nickname relates to a different team?
Curzon: …..
RESULT: DRAW
DARLINGTON v LEAMINGTON
Darlington: Darlo, Darlo, Darlo!
Leamington: Is that your nickname?
Darlington: Well, no. It’s ‘The Quakers’ really.
Leamington: Like the oats?
Darlington: Spelled the same, but the nickname actually comes from our original links to the ‘Religious Society of Friends’.
Leamington: Boring. We’re the ‘Brakes’ – named after the Lockheed brake manufacturing company. That’s more exciting.
Darlington: Does that not imply you’re slow, though? You should have paired up with the company that makes accelerator pedals. Or horns. Or spoilers. It’s hardly intimidating.
Leamington: What, and a religious organisation dedicated to equality and peace is?
Darlington: Touché. But why is there a windmill on your badge?
Leamington: It refers to the 17th Century Chesterton Windmill, which is actually a Grade I listed building on the outskirts of Leamington, just off the M40. Depending on whether you’re travelling Northbound or Southbound, you’ll want to come off at either junction 13 or 14….
RESULT: DRAW
NORTH FERRIBY UNITED v CHORLEY
Chorley: Ha! The Villagers?! Really?!
North Ferriby: And what’s so intimidating about a fucking Magpie?
Chorley: They steal stuff – like three points.
North Ferriby: That’s just a myth.
Chorley: Plus, they bring good luck – like three points.
North Ferriby: Also a myth.
Chorley: Magpies! Magpies! Magpies!
North Ferriby: Oh, what’s the point….
RESULT: CHORLEY WIN
SALFORD CITY v BRACKLEY TOWN
Salford: Go on then, give us a laugh.
Brackley: The Saints.
Salford: Isn’t that Southampton’s nickname?
Brackley: Hang on, Chorley were here a minute ago, and they’re called the Magpies.
Salford: True, but we’re not playing Chorley. Anyway, our nickname is definitely unique: ‘The Ammies’.
Brackley: Surprised it’s not ‘The Beeb’, to be honest. What does ‘The Ammies’ even mean?
Salford: It comes from our old name of ‘Salford Amateurs’.
Brackley: Amateurs aren’t intimidating.
Salford: And Saints are?
Brackley: You should have gone with ‘The Lions’. At least then your badge would have made sense.
RESULT: DRAW
SOUTHPORT v KIDDERMINSTER HARRIERS
Kidderminster: Harriers are deadly birds of prey, or fighter jets. Either way, we win.
Southport: Thought you called yourselves ‘Kiddy’?
Kidderminster: Not for the purposes of this, we don’t. Remind us of your nickname again?
Southport: ‘The Sandgrounders’.
Kidderminster: Ooooh, we’re quaking!
Darlington: Huh? What?
Kidderminster: Never mind.
RESULT: KIDDERMINSTER WIN
TAMWORTH v SPENNYMOOR TOWN
Tamworth: Ok, let’s get this over with, shall we? Yes, we’re ‘The Lambs’, the least intimidating of all the nicknames in this league.
Spennymoor: Hahahahahahahahaha! I mean, ours, ‘The Moors’, is pretty shit, but….. hahahahahaha!
RESULT: SPENNYMOOR WIN
YORK CITY v STOCKPORT COUNTY
York: They’ve saved the best until last – the battle of the giants!
Stockport: Only by Conference North standards. Our big crowds aren’t going to help either of us here.
York: Rubbish. We’ll piss this tinpot league.
Stockport: Yes, so your fans keep reminding us every few minutes. We used to say that, too, and we’ve been in this league a few years now.
York: Not us – we’ll be up by Easter! Anyway, this is all about nicknames, and ‘The Hatters’ is a rubbish one.
Stockport: Coming from ‘The Minstermen’?! Ok, which of the Minstermen are you – Mr Tickle? Mr Bump? Mr Might Realise How Tough This League Is By Christmas?
RESULT: DRAW
So, there you have it – Eleven matches, eleven predictions. Normally, when I try to predict County games, I’m woefully inaccurate, so let’s see if this system is any better – might even stick a tenner on it, just in case…..
What do you think, Ray Winstone’s massive floating head?
Now, that’s intimidating.
Confessions of a Middle-Raged Dad 